Is it dysregulation or is it defiance?

As a PCIT therapist and mother of two children under the age of 6, I am used to big feelings. A child's emotions can feel incredibly powerful, turning simple tasks (like getting out the door) into a monumental feat that leaves you feeling overwhelmed an in need of some serious grounding. As upsetting as these big feelings can be for parents, they are equally or even more overwhelming for the little person emoting them. A question I have come to ask, both in my work as a therapist and with my own children, is, 'is this dysregulation or is it defiance?' The answer to this question will make all the difference in how you respond to your child's big feelings.

What is dysregulation? Most simply put, dysregulation means being out of sync. Perhaps your child hasn't slept well, or they are hungry. Maybe they have sensory needs that haven't been met. Being out of sync can trigger or fuel strong behaviors. Misunderstanding your child's need for regulation or viewing all difficult behaviors through the lens of defiance can lead to frustrating parenting experiences and missed opportunities for learning.

My encouragement to parents I work with (and to myself) is to seek to understand what is behind your child's behavior. As parents, we need to provide our children with consistent, compassionate discipline. Discipline ultimately means teaching, and an out of sync child is not in a place to learn (more on that in another blog post). As we as parents grow in our understanding of our child's temperament, personality, and what helps him or her stay regulated we will gain tools for helping big feelings (both theirs and ours) feel a little bit more manageable.

#tips #change